It’s Only A Click – I Don’t Want What You’re Selling

So what if I clickety clicked on ‘Follow’ or I became a ‘Fan’ or even if I gave you my darn email address so I could get your RSS in my spam box every week – I’m not even slightly interested in whatever it is you’re selling.

I know it’s my loss, but

I couldn’t care less about your greatest invention of a widget that will take away all my worries by making me rich overnight and I certainly don’t give two hoots about the mega-twitter-follower-scam you want me to dive into -

oh, you want my twitter username and password do you… no problem – I’m having a stupid moment – here it is…

But I could have a zillion followers?

Oh – I must have missed the point. Let me have some of that. When you said I should follow all these 500 people because they will follow back ‘guaranteed’ – why was I so stupid to pass up that wonderful opportunity? I must be going crazy in my old age.

Follow @—///— and his ‘Top 500 Follow All Back’ list – Follow All Back for 100′s of followers #fbl

I hadn’t realised what a massive and dramatic impact having hundreds (well, thousands even, I want thousands, tens of thousands) of un targeted followers could do for me, my brand and my business – slap me round the head for being so stupid.

How can my business survive without these wonderful followers who would be able to ignore my every word? I could get a job at the supermarket I suppose.

You gave it a hashtag! Oh, wow – you’re amazing – like, totally

You mean it’s got a hash-tag – wow – it must be serious, real and totally totally genuine.

Oh please tell me you’re a bot – I love bots

Just for a second there I thought you were real, but, thanks to your sexy babe avatar and your blatant lack of real conversational tweets I realize you are just another scam bot – great – that’s what I was looking for. Give me loads of BS and pretentious crap – I love it. Bring it on. That’s what I signed up for.

Pleased to meet you – here’s my link

I know I didn’t make it totally obvious when I walked in the room but you quickly realized that all I wanted was your business card. It wasn’t the pleasantries of human interaction I was looking for and you, now my new hero, knew that and gave me just what I wanted – your link – thank you, thank you thank you…

Even better is that you didn’t even type the welcome message – you automated it – I love you soooo much for understanding my needs!

Thanks For The Follow. Learn More About Us At

What I love the most is when you don’t listen

You know – you guys are amazing. You know just what I want. When I ask a question on the Twitosphere – you know I’m just doing my best to wear out my fingers on the keyboard and that I have no real desire to be heard and I have absolutely no interest in getting any replies – I love the way you know me so well.

Now if only I can get 100,000 people to ignore me – that would be ace!

Dump me in a list – please – I want some company

You’ve dumped me in your ‘ignore’ list? Oh how I appreciate that. Now I’m with friends. Sat in this private (hidden) list of all the thousands of other people you followed but never actually ‘follow’. We can all chat amongst ourselves about you – guess what we’re calling you – oh yes, you won’t hear us because you’re not listening… Shame – you might learn something. Spammer – Bot – Ha ha – just kidding – we all love you really…

I love all my followers and bot buddies…

You know me and I know you and what is so great is that you twitterers understand me, you totally get me, know me and know that when I followed you it was out of sheer obsession with big numbers – I want your follow – and that I have absolutely no intention of ever listening to what you say – of ever reading a damn thing you type – of ever clicking one of your automated links – of ever falling in love with your sexy Latino honey of an avatar and of ever buying whatever bull-crap scam you’re selling.

But bring it on – at least I’ll be able to brag about my mega-follow list!!! Oh, I’m so excited to be a twitterer!

Don’t get excited about me following you. I’m not buying what you’re selling. It was just an – automated – click!

Oh yes – one more thing – unfollow me

Just in case (well, actually it’s very likely) that I don’t show the common decency to follow you back; on your auto-twittering app that you use – make sure to tick the box that says “unfollow any miserable so-n-so that didn’t fall for the scam” – there’s a good lad!

Oh don’t cry. Don’t get emotional about it

Did you make the mistake of thinking I was someone who gives a damn or someone who was looking for real connections…. No no no – not me. Ho no. Spam, bots, automation, spam… That’s me… Bring it on. Afterall

It was just a click!