Look – we all want to have a dabble with videos and I’m the first to encourage it. I’ve blogged before about just grabbing the camera and get some content out there and it doesn’t need to be polished, it doesn’t need to break down the doors of Hollywood but… Yes, BUT. That’s a BIG BUT. Sometimes I think there should be a little video policeman checking off the content we publish cos there’s an awful lot of absolutely pants on YouTube.
It’s pretty bad when you can create any old rubbish and someone is going to waste valuable bandwidth and time to actually watch it. And to see promos for illegal activities? Come on Google – your platform is being taken for a joy-ride – literally.
So, here’s a few of the thoughts that have passed through my small amount of gray-matter this week… Announcing my first (or ummm – a few) episodes of
How To Totally Suck On YouTube
Before I start, I must say: These are my opinions and not based on any rules or guidelines. It is also just for a bit of a laugh and in no way intended to point fingers at any publishers in particular. It is also not a competition – if you made it onto this list you have won absolutely nothing!
Here we go…
1. Be about 12 years old and have no clue how to present. Kids. I love kids – I have a couple here somewhere. But come on kids. Just because you have a computer and a camera and a microphone does not mean you have to use all at the same time to drive us nuts with crap demos of software. Talk about – ehm – whatever kids talk about these days. Sex, drugs, rock -n (do they still talk about rock-n-roll?).
Listen guys, I appreciate that we all wanna have a go but, unless you plan on doing something interesting, useful and relatively coherent, go back to your X-Box.
2. Use low quality or downscale everything. That is so awesome. I know I’ve said many times that quality isn’t everything but when I start getting headaches – enough said.
Here’s how to get that ugly blurred effect: A 4.3 capture stretched to 16.9 is a good start. Record at 640 and stretch it to 1280 always introduces some excellent blurred effects. What else? Oh yeah. Compress the crap out of it. Get that 100mb sucker down to about 3mb. We love pixelated effects.
DINNER’S READY!
3. Oh, yes – get your Mother to yell that your dinner is ready. That’s a real cool effect to have in your screen captures. Is that a default in Camtasia to is that one only available in Screenflow?
Ehm. Umm. Ohm. Ummmm!!!
4. Say “umm” a lot. That works. Just “umm” between every 3rd of 4th word cos that inspires the viewer to keep watching. Once we’ve heard one or two “ummmmm” snippets, you know what we want? Yep. We want more.
Would You Like A Tissue With That Dribble?
5. Yeah – ‘sniff‘ – here’s a good sound effect to drop in at every opportunity. Sniff. Sniff all you can because that is so cool in any video.
Shake It Baby Shake It
6. Shake the damn camera a bit more. Please. I love feeling sick like I’m on a roller coaster and if I can get that feeling while watching videos on YouTube then it saves me the cost of a family ticket to a theme park.
7. I had to sneak this one in after watching some rubbish today made by a dude with a noisy dog outside… Get your dog to bark a few times in the background. That’s always good. I’m trying to concentrate – do you mind shutting the dog up please?
Demo Software is for Trial Use – Read The Label
8. Use demo versions of apps. Love it love it love it when we get “UNREGISTERED DEMO” embossed across the screen. What the ? You seriously made and published a video in the demo version and then used it publicly?
9. Repeat all the little bits I may have missed – several times and move the mouse all over the screen real quick. You know. Clicking on the file menu and then the edit menu and back to the file menu and then away from the menu and send the mouse scurrying around the screen and then back to the edit menu, highlight cut and then click away and back to the file | save as and click on a button and back to edit back to file and then oops didn’t mean to do that…
10. Talk a load of crap, make a few mistakes, make incorrect statements and that say something like. “Or maybe not” or “I think that’s how you do that” or “maybe. I dunno” or “actually, that was wrong…” and leave all that crap in the video. Have you now heard of slice, cut, crop, trim…?
11. Lose your personality! Oh yeah. This must be a free plugin that comes with all the latest and greatest video editing apps (certainly installs in the background with screen recording apps) “Delete Personality 2.0″. This little background application ensures you talk like a drone and prevents and elements of the user’s personality from being incorporated into the production thus ensuring that the video will achieve it’s intended outcome – to bore the crap out of the watcher and – (if you have the upgrade) put your view to sleep within 47 seconds.
12. This is the last one cos I’m now getting bored. Do not. I repeat: Do not watch any other videos. You might actually learn something and that could possibly make all the above null and void cos you might actually produce decent, interesting, exciting, coherent and watchable videos….!!!
Ok here’s a bonus:
How To Download Free (Illegal) Software
Oh yes – that is so clever. My hero. How to steal software. How to rip-off the very industry that puts the tools in your hands to use the Internet and all the wonderful things you can do with it. Wonderful. I hope you are real proud being a hacker, a thief – high fives all round.
Look – a policeman! Ha – gotcha! Made you look didn’t I?
Ok, so number 13 on Part 1 of How To Totally Suck on YouTube. Do not think it is clever or cool to announce to the world that you use and/or know how to get a hacked version of the applications you’re using – you bone-head.
Firstly – it really pisses people (like me) off because we spend our hard earned on our legal software and music etc and secondly it is just plain stupid. FBI… knock knock. We know where you live. It’s people like you who make software and all other media cost as much as it does.
It’s things like this that prove beyond doubt that no-one polices the content that YouTube is hosting.
Junk, Crap, Waste of Bandwidth YouTube Videos:
14. Okay. One more. If you watch a video you made and think “that is absolute pants”… delete it. Don’t share it with the world. We don’t need more crap on the web. There’s enough already.
Thanks for reading. It’s just me having fun. Back to work now. What are your annoyances on YouTube (etc)? Leave your suggestions for parts 2, 3, 4… in the comments below. Thanks.
I can’t believe I didn’t mention doing instructional vids with no audio… Okay, we’ll do that in part 2…
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